11/03/04 — 4:45 pm CST

The new term.

Forgive me if I ramble; I have a lot to say.  First off, Congratulations President Bush.  We knew you could do it.  Don't take this the wrong way, but many of us (most even) did not elect your agenda, we elected you.  I like to believe that Americans still vote for people.  That said, let's look at some of the campaign issues and I'll tell you where I stand.

The Occupation of Iraq—Let's finish the job, train their army and their internal security and get the hell out.  We suck at occupations.  We always have.  If the new Iraqi government wants a foreign presence to assist them, let's give them England or Spain's phone number...historically, they've always been better than us at that kind of thing.

Gay Marriage—I'm of two minds here.  The practical part of me wants to tell homosexuals to just give it up.  It's not going to happen in your lifetime.  Maybe the same thing under another name—civil unions, or whatever—but not marriage.  Almost the whole of Judeo-Christian society is arrayed against you on that one.  And anyway, all you want is recognition of rights of inheritance and shared income, right?
          The other part of me, the part that wishes people would just learn to get along, has been watching the thumpers and saying "HUH?" a lot.  Haven't they been whining about how the gay lifestyle is a promiscuous lifestyle?  Isn't marriage the social convention that tends to banish promiscuity?  Come on, guys...what's the deal here?  Do you want gays to be promiscuous or not?  Or does the idea of same-sex married people in a stable home somehow awaken those "naughty feelings" you had at summer camp?

George Bush's National Guard Record—Nobody cares.

John Kerry's Navy Record—Nobody cares.

The Economy—Wouldn't it be nice if we could go back to the days when stock price was just an indicator of a company's health and not some kind of private lotto?  Also Sarbanes-Oxley is a piece of crap; draft a law that regulates something other than whether companies are following their own flawed or failed (or illegal) policies and talk to me.

WMDs—Nobody cares.

Foreign Policy—When did the Secretary of State stop being the primary foreign policy advisor and become some kind of UN message boy?  Seriously, Mr. President, you should listen to General Powell more; he knows his stuff.  Also I think he'd be much less inclined to relate his penis size to the biggest gun he can move.  As for the French, the Germans, and the Russians...when they can spend ten minutes not undermining UN resolutions through corrupt, back room deals, then they can tell us about our lack of respect for the UN.

Homeland Defense—Why do we need a Department of Homeland Defense?  I seem to remember an entire branch of the military that was devoted to nothing but Guarding our Coast.  Did they all disappear or something?  Or are they just too busy defending our borders from Haitian and Cuban refugees?
          And don't get me started on the Patriot Act.  Our Constitution was drafted by men who feared that very thing.  I know that there's nothing in it that wasn't already in the Drug Enforcement Act, but, hello!  Do you think THAT was less unConstitutional, just because it was aimed at "criminals" and not "insurgents"?
          Then we've got the air cops.  My wife lost a $30 pair of scissors because she wanted to do some needlepoint on the plane ride to Canada and had them in her bag.  Maybe we should get rid of the air cops and invest the money in prosthetic backbones for the American people.  Remember, no uniformed officers even thought to stop the September 11 terrorists.  The only group that failed to complete their mission was stop by a few brave civilians who put up their lives to save others.  Vigilantism is disgraceful, but we've had it soft so long that we no longer draw the line between vigilantism and defense.  Maybe if we spent more time honoring our heroes instead of tearing them down, more people would be willing to jump a couple of psychopaths armed with box knives.