02-02-07

The Land of the Free and the Home of the Mindbogglingly Stupid
I swear the world has conspired to convince me that the American Government is even more stupid than I had ever dreamed it possible for the people in charge of a free nation to be.  I thought that I had seen the nadir of intelligence when the Texas legislature passed the edjamacashun bill last fall giving tax breaks to multi-million dollar land developers and industries and passing the entire burden on to the shrinking population of smokers.  But no, this week, we've found two enormous examples of stupid to make even Austin scratch their heads in wonder:  Citizenship and Immigration Services has suggested across-the-board fee increases for legitimate alien services, and then there was the mess in Boston.  Oh my god.

Putting the "Can" in Cancer
If you live in Texas, perhaps you heard the ads last fall that were produced and paid for by the Texas Association of RealTORs.  These ads were not really meant for you, as they were mostly a means of convincing those few legislators that had not received, or had forgotten how to cash, their bribery checks.  But you heard them anyway.  The pleasantly-voiced woman—or the comfortingly-fatherly-voiced man—reading the copy made some good points.  "Why, Texas property taxes are too high," you thought.  "And our lack of an income tax of any kind and the ease with which people can incorporate here can't possibly counter our property taxes.  Especially considering how much I, personally pay on my overpriced home that is about 3 times more expensive than I can actually afford."  You goober.
          To begin with, the property tax "cut" was actually a reduction in the maximum amount that counties, municipalities and school districts can charge, and believe me, if there are multi-million dollar corporations paying the maximum allowable on their land, they suck nickels when it comes to negotiation.  Nobody, I mean NOBODY, charges the full rate for commercial or industrial properties.  Why?  Do the math.  Assuming 2 acres of land, $15 million office campus, even with a 90% tax break, brings in more direct property tax revenue than a neighborhood composed of ten homes at $100,000 each.  That doesn't even take into account the added costs of services that go with residences or the additional income from job-creation from the corporate park.  So what possible reason could localities have for bumping property tax rates?
          Exclusion.  Now I don't mean the bad kind of exclusion—that's actually illegal.  But there are other kinds of exclusion.  There are some cities and counties in Texas that make a good living off of being quaint, and to be quite frank, they neither want nor need a Random Animal Pet Food Rending Plant anywhere near them.  So what they do to avoid this, is they create a class of industrial or commercial properties that includes all of the unwanted industries, and they lay down the maximum allowable tax rate.  This tends to discourage those industries from buying land in Quaintsville.
          Now this was not a good situation for TAR.  Real-TORs like to make bigass commissions whenever possible—that's how they feed their families—and when they lose a million dollar deal with Random Animal because Quaintsville has instituted a 23% property tax on I-65 Industrial properties (including, but not limited to:  Rending Plants, Toxic Waste Dumps, Shoe-Polish Wax Refineries, and Those Evil Factories You See In Movies That Don't Seem To Have Any Practical Purpose), well, that just makes their teeth itch.
          This was very troubling, indeed for TAR, who, as we all know, represents all Texas realtors and not just the five or six titling firms that donate 80% of their funds.  And TAR convinced the legislature that this was very troubling for them, because Texas is loaded to the gills with real estate agents (certainly not because voting against this initiative would cause them concern in the form of fewer TAR campaign donation checks made out to "Cash").  But wait?  How ever will we pay for all this lost tax revenue we weren't receiving in the first place since this bill only prevents localities from exercising their only means of excluding unwanted industry?
          Oooh!  I know!  Let's tax smokers!  Everyone hates them anyway, and the health hazards of smoking are so apparent that those goobers deserve to get royally screwed.  Why, I know people who are so allergic to cigarette smoke that their throats close up whenever they watch a Humphrey Bogart movie.  But that bastard just keeps right on smoking.  That's how rude smokers are.  They deserve a two hundred per cent increase in the taxes they're currently paying.
          Of course, we all know that it's perfectly ethical to place a tax on a marginalized behavior.  That's why there are gay and alternative religion taxes.
          So, I've decided to quit smoking—not because I give a crap about the health effects of smoke, I knew going in that sucking smoke into my lungs will eventually kill me.  I just refuse to hand over that kind of money to governor Thirty-percent so he can fund a dirty deal to deny Quaintsville's rights to choose what industries it welcomes into its town.

Send us your tired, your...You know what, never mind...
Anyway, I'd settled into the long hard slog to quit, or at least reduce my cigarette habit, and was satisfied that no other evidences of stupidity (other than the State of the Union address—but those of us that voted for President Junior didn't elect him for his brains) had popped up, when my morning Chronicle featured a front page story about US CIS's decision to increase the fees associated with their services.  First off, what they mean by "services" are the required forms, cards, and magic tricks that legitimate foreign nationals have to fill out, carry, or perform in order to stay legitimate.
          Now, let's think about this for a bit.  Illegal immigration is a problem in this country, not just because of fencejumpers at the border, but also because an amazing number of people fall off the grid when they fail to fulfill the demands of our already expensive and labyrinthine Alien registration system.  And we're going to fix that by making it easier for illegal immigrants to be illegal while simultaneously making it more difficult and expensive for legitimate aliens to maintain their legitimacy?
          There's really not a lot more I can say about this because the stupidity of rewarding bad behavior while punishing good behavior beggars my ability to describe.

A Day That Will Live In Idiocy
And then there was Boston.  Oh, Boston...
          In case you weren't aware, Boston was brought to a halt this week by a number of boxes placed around town featuring characters from the [adult swim] series Aqua Teen Hunger Force.  And the idiocy quotient then went off the scale.
          Okay, let's start with Guerilla Marketing.  What the hell?  Is anyone fooled by any "viral" add campaign?  Does anyone honestly think that taggers, famous for their ability to write their own name in multiple colors of spray paint, would waste any "me" time on badly-drawn comments about how much they love their PSP?  Does anyone, anywhere run out an buy a Nintendo because notaplant16913 writes 500 words each per day on 27 forums about how his Wii is better than blowjobs?  Did anyone in the target demo ever once say, "Gosh, ATHF is so popular that idiots are putting LiteBrite displays with the characters all over major cities causing disruption and exposing everyone involved to multiple law suits and possible criminal charges!  I'd better rush home and watch that right now!!  And buy all of the after-market action figures and videos!"  Are 18-30 year olds really that vapid and easily-manipulated?  Are you?
          The other side of that coin is all about a Boston city government that doesn't have the sense to do things quietly.  Yeah, they got the first responders on the scene quickly and efficiently, and the ad boxes were removed before they could explode or display the slutty new version of Strawberry Shortcake.  But, of course, immediately afterward, they displayed the good judgement for which city councils worldwide are famous.  Rather than quietly sending the third-party compny that caused the disruption a misdemeanor ticket and a fine charging them for the costs of the disruption, they arrested the guys and charged them with a felony, resulting in millions of dollars of free national press exposure for ATHF and the promoters.  Felony charges that everyone knows will only result in the promoters receiving reduced-sentence plea bargains that make them lose their weekends teaching inner city kids how to draw.  What else could happen?  Would anyone in the western world send someone to serious prison for Unlawful Use of LED Technology?  Good job, Boston City Council, et al.  You just rewarded those jackasses for their idiot behavior.  Meanhwile, half a million people got to work late.  Some of them got fired for it.
          You fucking goobers.